The world tried to break me, I found a road too take me home. ♥

Two days before my twelfth birthday, my grandmother died of Ovarian Cancer. She'd been battling it for two years, it would have been three in July. My grandfather died almost three days later. He'd gone in to the hospital in September for heart surgery, and was supposed to leave the hospital three days later, but died seven months later, from what I think was depression, losing his wife of over fifty years, and not even being in their home for the last seven months of both of their lives. When people say something about their grandparents, it makes me realize how much I miss my own. I saw them both every day of the week, every day of the year. I loved them equally as much as I loved my own parents, they were like a second set.
My grandmother is my hero. I love her more than anything, even too this day. When I see the old, worn covers of the love stories I'd taken home with me, and put in my room, it makes me think of her, in Her Chair, cigarette is hand, smoke wafting towards the ceiling, the spine bent back, her working page by page to get to the end, crying if it were sad, and laughing out loud if it were funny. I've always admired the way she could throw herself into the story and becoming one of the characters in it. She'd always tell me about it in the end, telling me too read them when I was older. My mom says I'm just like her, in so many aspects of my personality. I imagine myself in a book, finishing one in a few days, my sarcastic, dry sense of humor, the way I search for perfection in everything, and the way I stand up for myself and what I believe in. I miss her so much.
My grandfather. He was the greatest man in my life. My rock. No matter what their money situation was, he'd always slip me a five after dinner, and twenty when I got my report card, and always took me into WalMart or Dollar Store too buy toys or books or candy, always letting me get whatever I wanted. He's always tell me that no man was good enough for me, that one day I was going too blow everyone away. I remember coming downstairs in the middle of the night and asking him to make me Oodles of Noodles, and he would. I'd sit on the counter while he made it, and talk about anything. He always made the best. One bowl for me, one bowl for him. We'd sit at the kitchen counter and watch tv on their old blue set, it even had antennas, but it had the best picture. We'd all go as a group to the Flea Market on Sunday mornings, after having the best breakfast at Leraine's Diner, and we'd go and just look.
I couldn't tell you what I miss most: the card games at the dining room table, eating Popsicles on the porch swing, or spaghetti dinners with the whole family. Maybe it was because I'd never met my mother's parents that made me really appreciate my dad's, or just the sheer fact that they made me feel good about myself, but I loved spending my time with them.
The night before my grandmother died, we had my birthday dinner. She was afraid she'd miss my real birthday, so we did it soon. She said that my shoes I was wearing weren't what a lady should wear, and I got mad, but did what she said, and took off my DC shoes. Before we left, she was already asleep in her chair, and I walked over too her, shook her awake and said goodbye, but that wasn't good enough. I think somewhere she knew that she wouldn't be there tomorrow, and she made me sit on her lap, hug her, and sing to her some old country song. I didn't know why, and I was a bit embarrassed, but I did it anyways. I kissed her goodbye, and we left. When I woke up in the morning and came down the steps, my mother and sisters were sitting at the kitchen table, just talking. My dad walked in and told us, and the only thing I wanted to do was run. Just run until I couldn't breathe and then keep going. Instead, I grabbed my DC shoes and put them in their box, in my room on the top shelf of my closet. I was cleaning my room earlier and saw them, but I didn't move them. I just sat in the bottom of my closet and cried. I didn't have the heart to even look at them. I've been a wreck pretty much all day. I don't know why. I just miss them both so so much. I've decided somewhere between all of the hysteria, that I'm going to get a tattoo soon. Two, actually, on the insteps of my feet. On the right, it will say Mary Ann, with an ovarian cancer ribbon, the left Robert Lee with a black cross. It's the one thing I can do that proves they'll always be with me, permanent.
Sorry about this, I just needed to write.
Hope you're all well. ♥
X's and O's, Hannah. ♥

We go together like the winter and sweater. ♥

Hey, dolls. :)
Well, before we get started, I want to ask you all something:
Are you happy? Are you happy with your life, what you've become, how your love life, friendships, and family relationships are? I know this is an odd question, but honestly, I don't think it's asked enough. You deserve to have someone to talk to. I'm always here, just so you all know. ♥
I have a new look! I really like it, it reminds me of christmas lights, which I love!
Alright, if you care about my life, I'm going to tell you. If not, scroll over the next paragraph or so.
Cole. Michael. Sean. Aaron.
I don't know what to do right now.
I'll start with Cole. He's nice, sweet, cute, and hilarious. I really feel attracted to him. He just doesn't seem like he wants a relationship. More like a flirtationship. I'm not down for that. I really want a steady relationship where we can hold hands, watch Disney movies together, decorate Christmas trees and listen to music and talk about whatever. He doesn't seem like that type of guy. He seems more like a friend with benefits. But I still like him.
Michael. Ahh fuck. What to do, what to do. I feel like no matter what I do, he'll always be there. Like we never really ended, just paused. He always messages me. I don't know what to do, really. It's like I hate him for so many reasons, but at the same time, I love him. I really just think we need to be done. It's not healthy for either one of us.
Sean. Oh, Sean. I really like him. He's different. He doesn't really fit to any one of my categories. He's the same type of person as I am, only a little more awkward, which is so cute. I really think that if we gave it a shot, we'd really work out. We like the same type music, we blog, we talk, we're just a good match. I feel comfortable with him.
Aaron. Not much to say about him. He's okay. I'm not really interested in him, but he really likes me. Whatever, not a big deal.

Now, DO THESE.
Listen to:
Ho Ho Hopefully-The Maine
Weightless-All Time Low
Remembering Sunday-All Time Low
All Over You-The Spill Canvas
Return of Simba-J. Cole
Headlines-Drake
She Will-Lil Wayne
When I Get Home, You're So Dead-Mayday Parade

Sorry I don't have anything else, but this picture is really helping me right now.

X's and O's, Hannah. ♥

“She can paint a pretty picture but this story has a twist. The paintbrush is a razor and the canvas is her wrist.”

I'm so embarrassed. I'm looking at my blog right now and it's such a sad sight. The fact that I have let the weeds get over grown, the paint is chipping, and the front porch is vacant, I feel awful. I used to dedicate my life to this place. I came here and talked about my life more than I did to friends. I told you more than anyone what was going on in my life, and no I've turned my back on all of you. I'm sorry.

Do you ever feel unappreciated? Do you ever feel as though you try to do your very best, and it's never good enough? Like, you're trying and trying so hard just to be looked over? I feel that way in so many aspects of my life right now, it's unruly. If I had to tell you all one thing, it's that you're beautiful, and deserve the absolute best. I didn't see this. I let my inner demon come out and make me believe as though I wasn't worth anything.

I self harmed, I was depressed, reclusive, and most of all, ashamed. I let some fucking boy get the best of me. Damn him. He miss treated me so awfully, and he still doesn't know the whole story. I'll love him forever, but I hate him more.

On a happier note, I'm writing again. It feel absolutely perfect. You'll see it on selves ;) Want a sneak peek?
1.) We all have that one ex…

That we gave way too many chances to, that one ex that you honestly thought you’d get married and have kids with so you named your children and thought so much about the future. You truly thought that you’d have that future together, but as time passes, things changed. No matter how much you thought it was going to last forever, I guess sometimes you have to get really hurt in order to really appreciate the next one.

I'm feeling better, and I'm with someone new now. His name is Cole. I really like him. He's perfect. (:
I love you all, you're gorgeous. <3
X's and O's, Hannah.♥

You get your butt kicked, fuck all that love shit, honey.

"Is anybody out there? It feels like I'm talking to myself. It feels like I'm going insane, am I the one who's crazy?" -Talking to Myself, Eminem.

"Forgive? Sounds good. Forget? I'm not sure I could. They say 'Time heals everything', bbut I'm still waiting." -Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks.

"Baby, you make me feel so alive, I've got purpose once again, yeah, yeah." -Ashely, Escape the Fate.

"You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart, never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out how to love." -How to Love, Lil Wayne.

"She wore a dress with cherries on it, goin' somewhere where she'd be wanted. A town this small; all they do is talk." -Backseat of a Greyhound Bus, Sara Evens.

"Let the rain fall down, and wake my dreams. Let it wash away my sanity. 'Cause I wanna feel the thunder, I wanna scream. Let the rain fall down, I'm coming clean." -Come Clean, Hilary Duff.

"I learned the hard way that they all say things you want to hear. And my heavy heart sinks deep down under. You and your twisted words, your help just hurts." -Love Song, Sarah Bareillies.

"Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore. And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?" -Need You Now, Lady Antebellum.

"Let's take it slow, I don't wanna move too fast. I don't wanna just make love, I wanna make love last. When you're up this high, it's a sad goodbye." -Don't You Wanna Stay?, Jason Aldean ft. Kelly Clarkson.

"Spotlights have a funny glow, they can keep you warm, but they can make you go crazy. Always gotta be the show, so you never know what it's like being in the crowd." -Burning Bridges, Jesse James.

-I figured that since I haven't posted in over a month, I'd just post some lyrics that pertain to my month. I'm lost, so I'm trying to find my way back. Love you all dearly. ♥
X's and O's, Hannah. ♥

Goodbye.

The hope is fading from my lips
When I kiss you with goodbye
Now when you let go of our last embrace
Please don't look me in the eye
Secret's out, that I just might care about you
You broke me, you're leaving
There's nothing I can do

I'll find a way to close the door
I want to say so much more but
I found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye
This is goodbye

The smile fate was wearing, slowly die
Minutes turn to months
Silence of the phone just mocks my cry
When I see that you've moved on
Secret's out that I did care about you
You broke me, you left me
There was nothing I could do

I'll find a way to close the door
I want to say so much more but
I found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye

Do I ever cross your mind?
Cause you're on mine all the time
I can't believe how unfair life is sometimes

Find a way to close the door
And be okay with nothing more but
Found you once, you're lost again
Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to
Won't let myself
I have to realize
This might be
This could be
This is goodbye
This is goodbye

The hope is fading from my lips. ♥

Jesus Christ. Where do I begin?

Okay, I haven't posted ANYTHING in over a month. I'm really sorry for that. I know that if I have this blog I should blog, but I just am so busy. I had volleyball all the time and I would hang out with my friends a lot and it just wasn't easy. But I'm here now, and I'm going to try and catch you up to speed without writing a novel in the process.
-Michael began to text me all the time, day and night, and it was just really hard to ignore him, so we talked all the time. WE began to flirt and talk about what if we were together? What would we do? Would he still love me? Would he be faithful to me? We talked like we were getting married. Wanna know something? We stopped. Just out of the blue. I nearly jumped off a bridge. (Not really, but you know.) So, then he texts me and is like, you're all that I need in a girl and you're beautiful. You're my perfect girlfriend. blah. blah. blah. So then, we AGAIN stop talking. I'm trying to heal but it's really hard when someone you've been in love with for three years comes back and pulls on your heart strings, then leaves again. But that was when I realized that I'm a sexy ass mother fucker and I don't need any douche bag to make me feel complete. So, now I'm going to be alone. Because I'm better off without any baggage. That way, I can hang out with anyone I want. FUCK GUYS.
-Now, I realize that this time last year I'd already lost ten pounds. NOW I'm going to lose 15 before school. STARTING NOW I'm fasting. I'll blog everyday just to keep me busy, so you'll have something to read during these EXTREMELY hot days. I miss you all! Email (xo_hannah@live.com) comment, find me on tumblr(blondeisblonde.tumblr.com), or get me one Facebook. I just want to talk to you all, because everyone has a story, and I want to hear yours. :)
X's and O's, Hannah. ♥

Lol, then I realized no one gives a fuck.

I was going to give you guys a whole long post about my life, but then I came to terms with reality: No one really gives a fuck but you, Hannah. I don't know why you'd even put the time and energy into it, it's not worth it.
So, that's exactly not what I'm going to do. I figure it's not worth it, and that no one really gives a fuck. Plain and simple. My Grandmother once told me
"No one really cares about anyone but themselves. Now, they'll listen and give advise, but every single person out in this world is a selfish son of a bitch, so think of yourself and get where you want. Don't worry about anyone because they don't care about you."
So, there you go. Can you see where my mouth comes from? I love her.
Now, you all have a good day. I really wish I wasn't in such a "fuck the world" mood, but it is what it is. I'm not whining anymore. I'm not a virgin. Life fucks me every day.
Xo, dolls.